Lee M. Stillerman, PhD
Licensed California Psychologist
Relationships: We All Have Patterns
Relationships can bring out the best in us—and some remarkably predictable versions of our worst. Over time, we develop expectations about how other people will treat us and ways of responding that can become familiar patterns. The problem is that sometimes the things we do to protect ourselves actually help create the very reactions we're afraid of. Someone who expects rejection may keep people at a distance. Someone afraid of conflict may never say what they need. Someone worried about being abandoned may seek so much reassurance that a partner begins to pull away. These patterns usually make sense. They may have developed from earlier relationships and once helped us adapt. But we can continue repeating them long after they're useful. The good news is that patterns aren't permanent. Once we can see the cycle we're caught in, we have an opportunity to do something different.
Relationship Patterns Can Take Different Forms
Avoiding conflict: You don't say what bothers you → resentment builds → you eventually withdraw or blow up.
Reassurance seeking: You worry someone is pulling away → seek more reassurance → they feel pressured and pull back → you become even more worried.
People pleasing: You focus on keeping everyone happy → your own needs go unspoken → others come to expect your accommodation → you feel overlooked or resentful.
Keeping your distance: You expect people to disappoint or hurt you → don't let them get too close → relationships remain distant → it seems to confirm that meaningful connection is hard to find.
Expecting criticism: You anticipate being judged → become defensive or guarded → the other person becomes frustrated → their frustration feels like proof that you were right to protect yourself.
The details differ, but the cycle is similar: what we expect influences what we do, what we do affects how other people respond, and their response can reinforce what we expected in the first place.